Throughout life’s experiences, I was programmed to victimize myself when things went wrong. So much so, that it got to a point where I didn’t even question if the other parties were at all responsible…it had to be me. Dysfunction. It’s been one of my least favorable and most detrimental traits. Without laying out my life on a dingy silver plater, it has caused so much confusion in my life and a one-way ticket to a therapist (by the way: black people — stop thinking therapy isn’t for you; you aren't invincible and it’s okay to seek help). Overall, this way of life altered my views of my self-value and knowing what it was I deserved. If you ask anyone that’s close to me, they can tell you that some years ago — even some months ago — I was in a horrible mental state, and it was far from pretty. My mother hates when I claim things over my life but I’m almost certain I was mildly depressed, maybe even more than mild. And the crazy thing about this horrid mindset is that you’re willing to accept whatever you think will make you feel better, even if it’s for the moment. When people start to treat you poorly, you start playing the blame game and feeling like everyone is against you, which turns into a never ending cycle of blaming, sorrow and being mistreated. Let me tell you why this all occurred: you allowed it! Whether you want to believe it or not, you’ve set the tone for how other people can treat you.
That was me — broken and vulnerable, accepting poor treatment. I’ve let people use me for their own personal fixes and pleasures, whatever they may be, only to be left even more broken and vulnerable than before. When I say moving to Atlanta was one of the greatest things I’ve done, I mean that more than I could try to explain. I’ve grown and matured in ways that were once unimaginable. Those same friends and family members can vouch for me that I’m in a much better place, probably the best I’ve ever been in. And that’s because I’ve decided to put me first. I had a long conversation with myself not too long ago and realized the number one person who mistreats me, is ME! I’m way too intelligent and too great a judge of character to have allowed some of the things that I’ve encountered, all because I was trying to fill a void or two. Every time I start to feel down or emotional, there’s always one person I want to reach out to, but we don’t really speak and most times it’s just altogether a bad idea. In this moment of my life, that person is what I consider my relapse, and every time I think about relapsing, I have to think about the repercussions the minute after I make that call or shoot that text. It’ll be good in the moment, but I know how it makes me feel in the end. I had to decide to put myself and my well-being first. Breaking behavioral patterns falls under that. No longer am I readjusting my life so it aligns with the lives of others. No more bending over backwards. I’m taking everything I deserve, and that includes how people treat me. It’s 2018, and if you aren’t reclaiming your time, well, you’re doing it wrong. So, I hope that me sharing some of my truth inspires someone to make the necessary changes in their life towards self-love.